It doesn't matter anymore
by raven watson
Summary: My heart is fading...the colors have no hue, the music has no melody. All because I love you. Kagome POV foul language warning


Random thoughts. Random story. Kagome POV. (I don't own the inu of yasha)

It doesn't matter anymore…

I am dying, dying inside. Everyday a little more of me disappears on the winds. Could they see? Did they know? I was fading away, but could they see? Do I look transparent to them? I sighed. It didn't matter if they saw. It wouldn't even matter if _he_ saw. I had made my decision, even though it is slowly killing me.

I promised I would stay with him, even if he chose another.

What a foolish promise. What a naive thing to say. How can I always be by his side when being there is making me disappear? I want to be by his side more than anything, even if he wants to be with her. But knowing that my love can never be returned is doing this to me. The place that I want to be is killing me.

Even knowing that doesn't change anything. I will die here, slowly but surely. I will die beside the man I love. I almost wish he would notice, though.

They're calling me. I've fallen behind again. Such happy faces, such warm smiles. They are giving those smiles to me. I don't need them, I can't use them. I'm dying, can't you see? No, of course you can't see. I remember my smile. I remember my love. It masks the emptiness inside.

I run to catch up to my friends, my lovely, lovely friends. Miroku, the lecherous bastard who can't keep his hands off of women; Sango, the tough as nails woman that he loves, the woman who would never back down from a fight, but is still so soft and broken inside. I'm positive that Miroku will heal her wounds. They love each other, even if they don't see it themselves. I smiled at Shippo, the cute little kitsune that we had adopted. He was so full of life, and hope. His future was bright, he would be a strong man one day. I brushed a hand across his head petting his hair back as I looked to the man who causes me so much joy, and yet so much pain.

Inuyasha. Dearest, lovely, hated Inuyasha. The temperamental, kind hanyou that had stolen my heart. The first of my many friends, the last I will ever wish to see. I loved him from the beginning, I know that now. Seeing his still form so peaceful and lovely pinned against that tree. Our tree. He was deceiving, even then. That peaceful face and those lovely ears, nothing that boded the true dog demon. I had touched them, those soft silky ears. I remember that feeling that bloomed inside me. Such joy and contentment is not easily won, and yet all I had to do was touch him.

And touch him I did, and awaken, and love. Now I'm dying just seeing him standing there so full of life and promise. A promise that will never be mine, a promise that I can never have, nor keep.

My face has given something away because he is looking at me with those golden eyes that make my knees weak and they hold concern. I feel tears gather in my eyes and my throat tightens. Why do I feel the need to cry? Because he has showed me an emotion other than spite? I know, logically, that Inuyasha truly cares about me, even if that is only as a friend. And I know he only treats his friends bad because he never knew love, and he still expects us to betray him.

Like she did.

That bitch. That whore. That evil, spiteful mistake of a woman! How dare she betray this god! How dare she hurt the one who she is so lucky to be loved by! If she wasn't dead already I'd kill her myself. If she wasn't a cold, cheerless excuse for a woman, walking around in a borrowed body, maybe I'd feel better about losing the man I want and love to her.

Damn you Kikyo, Damn you to hell.

Inuyasha shook me roughly by the shoulders shaking me from my thoughts. My mouth was in a sneer and a growl was scratching my throat. I shook my head trying to relieve my thoughts before I began to grow bitter as well as die.

"Kagome, what's wrong?" he asked me in that baritone voice. I could almost whimper at the sound of that lovely music saying my name. I shook my head.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about something. It's better off dead." I smirked at my double meaning. Yes the thought should die. So should she and oh how I'd love to offer her on a silver platter to Naraku, I'm sure he'd love to tear her to pieces.

Wait, what am I saying? My god, I've turned bitter. It's too late isn't it? Oh well, I guess I can't be pure of heart or thought when my heart is withering away. Inuyasha was giving me that pitying look again. I gave him a smile. It was sad, and not very reassuring, but it was better than me growling at myself.

"Come on, it's getting late. We'll make camp in the clearing ahead." I nodded to him and began following them again, but not before I caught the worried looks of Miroku and Sango. They've guessed. They know I'm depressed, but they don't realize how much. But I can't say anything. I love him, and if he chooses her then it's her he'll have. I won't stay in his way, even if it kills me.

And it probably will.

I looked up at the darkening sky. A whole day had passed. What did we do today? Funny, I can't really recall. Oh well, it isn't important. We most likely just journeyed about. I guess I should have been searching for those damn jewel shards, but it's hard when I'm fading away to concentrate on something that just makes it harder to live with myself.

I hate those jewels and yet I love them. They brought me here and they keep me here. I love that and hate it. If I hadn't come I wouldn't have met him. If I hadn't met him I wouldn't love him, and I wouldn't be dying. But then I would never have known love.

I realized that I was mindlessly cooking ramen. Odd, I don't remember getting it ready. I seem to be losing a lot of time lately. Oh well, it isn't important. I finished cooking it then passed a serving to each of my comrades leaving some extra simmering for Inuyasha. He always ate more than us. I knew I was smiling. I loved that he adored my ramen. It made me feel special to have him want something from me, even something as simple as ramen.

I sighed and ate my own. I gave myself a smaller portion than usual. I wasn't hungry, and besides a dying person shouldn't steal food away from the living. Could they see? I looked at my hand. It looked normal. It looked like a living person's hand. I wasn't fading away in the sense that I was see through. And yet I felt as though I was. I felt as though I was sinking far into the earth, my movements weighed down by an unknown force.

What if I did just sink into the earth right here, like how Kikyo was going to sink down into hell with Inuyasha? Would I die? Would my soul return to Kikyo? Would that make Inuyasha happy? I strange calm filled me. If it would make him happy, I would gladly sink into hell.

I looked over at him. He was looking at me with those eyes. Sometimes it felt as if he could see right into me. As if he knew what my most secret thoughts were. And yet he was so…so…uninformed. If he realizes I love him at all, I don't think he realizes how much. For all his piercing gaze he never once understood. He never once tried to understand that I would die for him, that I would kill for him, that, if he so chose, I would warp my body, mind and soul just to make him happy.

But I am dying and he doesn't see. I don't know if I want him to see. Strange that I keep wondering if he sees but I don't want him to. If he saw would he try to make me live? Would that hinder his happiness? Will he really be happy with that cold, puppet with mud for a body? Do I want to know?

I wonder if I'll be able to go home before I die. I'd like to see mama and grandpa and Souta. Mama is always so happy, and loving. I wonder what she would say if she saw me now. She'd probably cry knowing that I was dying because my love was killing me. Grandpa would scold me and probably give me a handful of his 'special' spell scrolls (that don't even work) to ward off Inuyasha. Souta would just be his happy loving self. Playing video games and wondering if Inuyasha came with. I miss them, but I probably won't ever see them again. It's not like Inuyasha lets me go home. Oh well, it isn't important.

"What isn't important?" the voice shocked me awake and I jerked out of my reverie.

"W..What?" I stuttered. I didn't like how weak I sounded. I don't want them to know. I don't want them to guess.

"You said 'Oh well, it isn't important.' What isn't?" I stared at Inuyasha with my cheeks burning. Did I really say that out loud? What else have I been saying out loud?

"Um, I was just thinking again. I guess I just thought out loud. Sorry," I gave him the best smile I could muster. He frowned at me. I watched him as he stood up and came over to me. He held out a hand to me and I just stared at it like the fool I am.

"Come on, we need to talk." I looked up at him, craning my neck uncomfortably.

"Talk about what?" he growled and just grabbed my arm and hefted me to my feet. Just like Inuyasha.

"I was actually FINALLY getting comfortable, thank you OH so very much!" I yelled at his back as he dragged me deeper into the forest, "Let go of me you…you jerk!" I tugged at my arm trying to get free, "Stupid! Ass! Fool! Dickhead! Asshole! LET ME GO!" He dragged me out into a field and then spun on me.

"Is that all you got, wench?" he growled at me. I hate being called a wench.

"Not at all you piece of shit." He laughed that lovely laugh that had an edge to it like sandpaper.

"Oh real slick, sweetheart," He said rolling his eyes, "Come on bitch, give me all you got." I could feel anger welling up inside me.

"Bitch! You fucking, no good sonofabitch! You coward! You bastard! Fuckhead! Ass monkey! Fucker! Shit for brains! You weak FUCK!" With each name I pushed him. It was either that or punch him, "You lying, mother fucking, piece of dog turd! You blind, corrupt, killing whore! Do you know what it feels like! DO YOU?" I raged. I felt more than I had in months, and it was all anger. I didn't want the anger. I didn't want it. Damn him, damn him, damn him.

"Damn who?" I threw my arms up.

"Fuck! I'm talking out loud again! Fucking pieces of shit, cunt licker, shit eater, GAH!"

"Kagome?" I rounded on him ready to start scratching and biting. He was not a happy camper, "Do I know what what feels like, exactly?" I growled as best as a human could.

"None of your damn business!" I turned to run back to the campsite but he grabbed my arm.

"It is too my fucking business!" he yelled at me, "You never laugh anymore! You never smile, _really_ smile anymore! You rant and rave in your sleep if you aren't yelling at me awake! You're always drifting off someplace that I can't reach you! Now tell me what the FUCK is going on!" Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. He noticed.

"No." He shook me, hard.

"Fucking tell me, bitch! I'm tired of these games!" Rage filled me again. It was such an easy emotion to recollect. Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes as I shoved his hands off me.

"Fine! You jerk! GODDAMNIT! You don't know what it's like! You don't know what it's like to drift by day by day knowing you want something and knowing you can never have it! You don't know what it's like to feel such hope only to know it's false! Always false. Always. Damnit." I was crying. I sank to the dew kissed grass and cried, "Fading away. That's all I do. I want but I can't want. I need but I can't need. I made a promise that I'll never be able to keep. It's killing me, killing me. Damnit. Damnit, Damn her fucking mother shit pieces. Damn her to hell. If I could I'd push her off a cliff. Oh wait, she's survived that too! Stupid bitch." Inuyasha knelt beside me putting a tentative hand on my shoulder.

"Kagome…?" I looked up at him, those lovely eyes so full of worry. I could never have him, she would always be in the way. She had his heart, while I had nothing. Fucking previous life. What kept him to me? What power did I have over him? The only thing that I have that controls him are those prayer beads. They cause him such pain too. Such pain. I don't want him to feel pain anymore. He brushed a hand across my cheek trying to get my attention. I leaned into that warm, calloused hand as I looked up into his eyes. There was surprise there, and a cute blush. I smiled at him.

"I'm sorry I've been such a bother to you." I sighed, "I'm sorry I've caused you so much pain." His brows drew together in confusion, "Don't worry, I'll fix it so I won't hurt you anymore." He watched me as I reached my hands out to him. I don't know what he expected as his eyes grew, but I grabbed hold of the surprisingly warm cursed necklace that graced his shoulders. I lifted it up and over his head, being careful not to catch his hair or ears in the necklace. It pulsed, sending a shiver up my arms. At least when I died I could keep something of him. I smiled sadly as I put it around my own neck. It didn't have anymore power to it. I removed the spell as I removed the necklace. I looked up into Inuyasha's eyes.

"You're free now Inuyasha. It was never right for me to keep you on a leash." I brushed my cold fingers above his right eye brushing his bangs away. The loveliest eyes I've ever seen. He blushed brightly and I closed my eyes and bit my lip. "I said that out loud, didn't I?" I felt Inuyasha come closer. He sat beside me, barely rubbing his haori against my own sleeve.

"I've hurt you, Kagome." I looked up at him in surprise.

"You've never hurt me!"

"Maybe not physically. But... can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Do you promise to answer?" I looked at him suspiciously.

"Maybe." He sighed.

"Wh...what is it that you want? Above all other things? What I mean is, if you could have a wish, a wish just for yourself, what would it be?" I bit my lip and turned away from him, "Please, Kagome. And be honest."

"You should know that by now, Inuyasha." He reached over and turned my head back to him with a single finger.

"I know I should, but I don't. Please, tell me." I felt new tears gather in my already drained eyes.

"You, Inuyasha. It has and will always be you. But I can't ask that of you, because you have chosen her." I didn't spit it out with venom as I usually do, I was tired, so tired. Inuyasha brushed hair away from my face.

"What's happening to you, Kagome?"

"I'm dying."

"No you're not." I gave him a credulous look.

"Please, Inuyasha. I can feel it inside," I brought my hands to my chest, "Theirs pain there, such pain. It's killing me. The colors have lost their hue, music has lost its melody, food has no taste. Everything is but ashes and smoke. I'm dying." I felt strong arms come around me and pull me into his lap. His lips were brushing my hair and for a moment, I let myself believe my hopes, I let myself believe my dreams, and so I sighed.

His arms tightened around me and his body began to shake. I looked up and realized he was crying. But this isn't right. He can't be unhappy. He must smile. He can't be sad. I brushed the tears away fiercely.

"Stop it! You can't be sad! You must be happy!"

"How can I be happy when you tell me that you're giving up on life?" I stopped my motions.

"I'm not giving up on life." He looked back at me.

"You're killing yourself. You're letting the world fade away from you. Why? Because of Kikyo? I don't understand." I snarled at that name. His arms gripped me and he buried his face in my hair, "Damnit, I don't want you to give up. I need you, Kagome. I don't really know what I did, or why you're hurting so much because of me, I just wish I could…could…" my body tensed.

"Could what, Inuyasha?" he drew a shaky breath.

"Tell you…tell you that I made a promise to the corpse of a girl I used to care for who died so long ago. I realize now, it wasn't the same with her." I think I've forgotten how to breathe.

"What do you mean?" He drew back, tears staining his face.

"I love you Kagome, more than I ever have for Kikyo." I'm hallucinating. He doesn't love me. This is a dream. I'm dead already and this is heaven. This can't be real, this can't be real. He leaned down and brushed his lips across mine.

"How can this be real?"

"I don't know, but it is." I wrapped my arms around him, feeling joy, true joy, for the first time in a very long time.

"I love you Inuyasha! Damn you, but I love you." He smiled a quick, toothy smile full of suggestions and promises.

"Guess you're my woman now, huh?" I smiled back at him.

"Only if you're my man." He laughed and then took my mouth with his.

That's when I realized that I never had lived before. I wasn't dying for I'd never been born. Love is a crazy thing.


End file.
